The storm

So since April is Cesarian awareness month I figured this would be a good time to share about how my children entered the world. Now before I became pregnant I was not the mothering type...I hated babies. Whenever people would hand me their children to hold they would cry, I never changed diapers or anything like that since my brother is close in age to me and we are the youngest two in our family . My husband had told me he didn't think he would ever be able to have children due to many medical issues and since my family had medical history of difficult pregnancies I accepted the fact that I may never have kids. Then  it happened. I became pregnant and was in complete shock. I waited a whole week to tell my mom because I was in such denial. I remember calling her on my way to west bend for band practice and I told her I had something I wanted to get together and tell her....but instead she asked if I was and I said yes and that was the end of that discussion. I was sad because I felt as though I had disappointed my parents and family, I was only 20. That feeling didn't last though....during band I had a hard time breathing while playing my saxophone and my belly started to hurt. I ran to the bathroom and sure enough, right in the middle of band practice I was loosing our first child. I quickly ran back got my things and left to go home. I didn't know what to do or anything and was in a daze the whole way home. I got inside, took a shower and went to bed. I called the doctor in the morning and they sent me across the street for some lab work. The nurse was amazing through this whole experience and I don't know if she will ever realize how big of a role she played in helping me through this difficult experience. She explained everything over the phone, asked me a bunch of questions and we determined that since it was so early in the pregnancy that unless anything changed health wise it wasn't necessary to come into the doctor. so life went on. I felt stationary in a moving world. I was left with more questions then answers, most of which being would I ever be able to have children? Was this some punishment from God for past sins? and mostly how was it that during that one short week of knowing I was pregnant could my whole entire perspective be changed on becoming a mom?