The rainbows

A month went on after the miscarriage and I was left waiting and dreading that lovely time every women dreads during the month. Not dreading for the same reasons others may but because I was afraid of it being a reminder of the loss we just had. But it never came. I ended up being pregnant again. Now the 40 weeks spent pregnant with my rainbow child was something else. I was constantly in fear of something bad happening, needless to say that fear never goes away. I went to all the ob appointments plus some extra always wanting to have the heartbeat checked to make sure she was ok, and I almost always had John, or a family member with me too, in case something bad would happen I wouldn't have to go through it alone. The first time I went by myself was toward the end of my pregnancy. The doctor had me coming in once a week and last week all was well so I wasn't worried. That was the appointment we found out our little girl was breech (her head was located on my right side at that time instead of at the head down position it should have been). They tried doing a version, where two doctors push on your belly to move the baby into position. Never had I been so violated in my entire life. It was an extremely painful experience and none the less it dint even work. I felt like such a failure. The doctor assured me it was not my fault, it happens, and we scheduled a c-section. I went in the morning of the surgery scared that my baby would hate me, even though I loved her so much. Scared of becoming a Mom. I was also scared for the surgery since I have never gone through a major surgery like this before. I also felt sad at how unnatural everything felt. I remember telling my husband and family how I felt I was invading kenzie's space, her world, and having her enter our world on our terms instead of hers. This was what bothered me most about the c-section, how unnatural everything was. The surgery went great, no pain nothing I was completely out of it and even fell asleep after they took Kenzie to the nursery. I felt horrible knowing that the first day of my daughters life I was as "out of it" as I was from the medicine. The recovery was also another battle in itself. I was in so much pain. I even had a uterine infection I needed to go to the ER for about a month after having Kenzie. My scar developed extra scar tissue that caused the scar to puff out and also caused me to be in lots of pain as well, until I had Junior. I found out I was pregnant again about a month before Kenzie turned one. Fast forward to the day of the c-section. As with the pregnancy my c-section was a completely different experience then what I had with Kenzie. This time my fears were not with the surgery or anything it was with my daughter and how she would be with being a big sister, the sadness I felt spending a week away in the hospital from her, and wondering how I could love anybody else the way I love my daughter. Now with Junior we had no reason to have a c-section. My doctors left it up to me on what I wanted to do, vbac or c-section and I chose c-section. It was what I had with my daughter, it wasn't painful or anything, it was familiar, and I was more then ready for the pregnancy to be over with! (Full term pregnant while taking care of an 18mo in 100+ weather, I was done lol). However juniors was the opposite of Kenzies. With Juniors the surgery was one of the most painful experiences I have ever gone through. I could feel everything going on, and even during recovery it felt as though there was a knife stuck in me. I was in such shock at how different everything was, this was not suppose to hurt like this, not how I remember it from Kenzie. If it would have been like this the first time, I probably never would have wanted another, to experience that pain again, well I couldn't imagine going through it twice. But that is just the thing. Each delivery, even c-section is a different experience. One benefit with Junior though, I recovered much faster and had no complications afterwords.